Disclaimer
The following is a fictional work of humour and is only to be taken as such, it is not a critique of any university and is not to be taken as such, some of the following is based on actual events from my own life, obviously exaggerated and other parts are total lies.

So, without further ado I give you...

The Immutable Laws of University Exams


Also known as "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love My Failed Education"

1. All teaching staff must include at least one question on
their exam papers that either:

a) Confuses at least 80% of their students
b) Asks about a topic that was not actually mentioned in any unit material at all
c) Is worded just ambiguously enough to cause mild frustration in their students

2. Exams will be held in sections of the university that are any combination of the following:

a) Unfamiliar to the students being examined
BONUS POINTS: The student service staff are equally oblivious to the location themselves.

b) require the equivalent of a small hike up your local snow capped mountain to access

c) have no air conditioning (obviously in the middle of an australian summer)
BONUS POINTS: There are electric ceiling fans, although they make squeaking noises in an annoying fashion, and they are turned up to 11 so they blow student's exam papers off their desks.

d) in an area of the university that has nothing to do with the unit the students are studying whatsoever
BONUS POINTS: The computer science students spend all of their exam period in the GYM, which practically covers everything.

3. Exam overseers will be unattractive, irritating in nature and completely lacking in personality and sense of humour.

4. Exam overseers shall be equipped with a public address system with the volume controls stuck at a level just high enough to give a mild concussion to 20% of students in the exam room when they speak through it.
BONUS POINTS: The high volume setting and proximity of the microphone cause the PA system to shriek in a feedback loop and therefore damage the eardrums of all students in the room when the microphone is switched on.

5. The appointed exam time, date and location shall be changed at least once, as close as possible to the original appointed time.
BONUS POINTS: The new time and/or date is in the past

6. Possession of timekeeping devices by students taking exams is strictly forbidden, students with good rhythm* caught counting or tapping away the seconds will be instantly expelled, on the spot, without appeal. All timekeeping devices in the exam room shall be removed, including all analogue and digital clocks, only those on the person of the exam overseer/s are allowed.

*Because there are a lot of students that suck at rhythm, as evidenced by their poor ability to dance at the pub on friday nights.

7. All university counsellors shall be "unavailable" during the exam period, to allow the full soul crushing emotional agony to fully destroy the light of life and individuality in the students as part of the preparation for the eventual conversion into mindless borg drones. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
BONUS POINTS: Those who fail their exams are "offered"* to be in various risky medical studies with experimental drugs,
no potential drone is wasted!

*By "offered", I mean forced by the most zealous security guard at hand with a taser.

8. The dorm drinking water will be spiked with hormones and adrenalin, to increase the likelihood of breakups between student couples thus ensuring that even students who are in relationships are miserable at home too during this difficult period of university life.